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Jokes In Category: Adult

a little boy come home from school one day and told his mum about a dead cat up the road.
a teenager takes a seat on a bench next to a middle aged man reading a newspaper. After a few minutes the man looks over and stares intentively on the...
A man buys his wife a fur coat made out of 3600 hamster skins and took her to Blackpool for their anniversary. He couldn't get her off the big wheel f...
Whats the funniest thing in a kitchen?
100 nuns in a nunnery1 finds a condom99 gasp 'oooooo' and 1 giggles 'hehe' cos she used itThe 1 who found it shouts 'and its been used'99 gasp 'oooooo...
whats the difference between your wife and a prostitute?
a man went to the hospital with a toy horse stuck up his bum the doctor examined him and said you're ok your condition is stable
Johnny, George, and Bert were driving along in their pickup when they saw a sheep caught in the fence with its hind end up in the air. Bert said,
Q: What is the difference between and Virgin and a washing machine? A: The washing machine doesn't follow you around for two weeks after you dump a lo...
What does an Essex girl use for safe sex?
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders...
A man looks in the mirror and asks his wife 
Mary was an elderly lady of the night who was well known to the local Bobby. One night he came across Mary standing with one leg on a little wall, hol...
Sex is like a restaurant:
What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?
A womans dead body was discovered this morning with sperm in her eyes .
A man was sunbathing on the beach in the nude with nothing but a hat covering his manhood, as he was laying there 2 ladies walked by, one of the ladie...
a mother was cleaning her 12 year old son's bedroom and found fetish mags, bondage whips and masks etc.  She went to her husband and said
A man walked into a pub and saw another man with both his arms and legs in plaster and a neck brace on. He wandered over too him and said ...
 Jack & Jill went 2 the dairy, Jack popped out his big'n airy, Jill  said
He met a lady while browsing she unzipped his dotcom when downloading since he was virus free he slotted his floppydisk into her hotmail she screamed ...
if a farmer had a fieldfull of dildos what would he have the most problems with?.............squatters
A man goes to the doctor.
Q. Why did the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?
Two cannibals, father and son go out into the jungle to find some grub for the hungry tribe. They come across a very old man and the son says
Wife comes home from shopping to find husband in bed with a younger woman.
A man picks up a woman at a singles bar. They go back to his place and she notices that he washes his hands a lot.
two irish couples decide to swap partners for the night...after 3hrs of amazing sex paddy says
The bride tells her husband,
 Two eggs were kissing on a bed when the female egg said,
A woman goes to a hypnotist.
BMW thnks of everythng and on a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
Three wishes:
i told my girlfriend i had a cock like a computer,she asked if it was cause it had loads of ram and a hard drive? OH! the surprise she got when she fo...
Q.  What happened to the dwarf who ran between a womans legs?
Bungee jumping is like getting a blowjob off your granny, It feels great but for christs sake don't look down.
Having arrested George Michael for driving under the influence of drugs, the police promptly strip searched him and discovered a chocolate bar in his ...
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like  ayoung girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man andasks how o...
What's the purpose of a bellybutton?
A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approached her husband wearing the exact same sexy negligee she had wo...
A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the             hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally  elbowed             her in the...
One day a teacher went  into her class room and saw the word, penis written in small letters on the chalkboard. She erased it and went on with th...
What does a lesbian need  to become a lesbian?A licker license!
Q: How do you make  a hormone?A: Easy don't pay her.
Two pikey women are pulling carrots in a field. The first one pulls a carrot and says
Two cops were parked on the side of a busy highway               waiting to nab individuals throwing litter out their car  windows. One car           ...
Mr Cadbury met Ms Rowntree on a Double Decker,it was just after eight. They got off at Quality Street,in front of the Fishermans Friend pub. He asked ...
When the nurse was bathing a female patient who had been in a coma for many months, she noticed a reaction when placing a sponge between her legs. Whe...
a guy walks into a bar and says to the barman,
paramedics attend a nasty accident involving a car.when they see the driver screaming in pain they tell him to calm down as at least he wasn't flung t...
Three gay men died, and were cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do w...
Two men were sitting at a pub and get pretty drunk. Out of the corner of the first man's eye, he sees a beautiful young woman.
What is the difference between a drug dealer & a prostitute?  A prostitute can wash her crack and sell again!!
A man's wife came in wearing a sexy nighty. She told her husband
85%of scousers say they enjoy sex in the shower...the other 15%haven't been to prison yet.
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the  wife ask...
ok a little boy is walking past a old mans house with duck tape.
A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on  		television.
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast,
Me and my missus favourite sexual position is called the
A woman brings 8yr old Johny home and tells his Mum she caught him playing doctors and nurses with her 8yr old daughter Mary.
A tall muscly man walks into a bar and a lady recognises him as a famous rugby player.
 What's the definition of an Impotent Loser? 
When are men most intelligent?
Shaving...
whats hairy on the outside, moist on the inside starts with c ends in a t and got nu in the middle
A Missouri farmer got in his pickup, drove several miles to a neighboring farm     and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy about 12 opened the ...
woman entered shop and asked the man behind the counter for a double entendre...
What did the female cannabal do after she dumped her boyfriend?
What do you do with a years worth of used condoms? 
What's the difference between a penis and a bonus? 
Two nuns were riding over a pebbled path one day while out cycling, one nun screams to the other
One afternoon a horny husband was trying to help his wife set up a password for her PC. 
Mr. Brown was telling his son a bed-time story.
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?'Granny  replies, sod the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
A grasshopper walks into a bar, bartender says,
An old lady and an old man are sitting in their retirement home.
How is a police car like a women?
An old lady goes to the dentist one day, drops her panties, sits down and lifts her legs...
whats wrinkly and loves grandma
What Did One Boob Say To The Other ?
a lap dancer asked me do you want any extras. i replied.
Essex, the only place in the country where on a Sunday morning the women
The Love Dress
Best Divorce
what do you call an irish scientist?
how do you brainwash an irishman?
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
I went to Paddy's house, I said  
a woman on her death bed called her husband and asked him to open a box from under the bed. Inside he found 3 eggs and £7000 in cash.
what two vegetables do you find in the toilet?
On coming home from the newsagents one sunday morning a man says to his wife,
A Man walks into a pharmacy and asks
Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked.
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp
what do you take the top off to put put the bottom on?
 cannibal jokeWhat happened at the cannibal's wedding party?
The Dentist
why did the squirrel do backstroke to get across the river??
Stages of Drunkeness
What a weekend I had last week, I broke my record for continual sex - 1 hour and 3 minutes....Then I realised....
A policeman with a sniffer dog came up to me the other day & said
wine does not make you fat  it makes you lean
Anyone have oxfam's number, I just got my water bill, and heard they can supply a family of four with water....
what do you call a gay dinasour
A building contracter hires an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Chinaman. He gathers them all in his office and tells each of them their jobs. The Engli...
What does it mean when a man is in ur bed gasping 4 breath & calling ur name?
what would Steven Gerrard be if he was'nt a footballer.
A young ventriloquist touring the clubs is doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, the goes through his usual dumb blond...
 guy and a girl are lying in a dorm-room bed after just having sex. The girl lays on her side of the bed and rests. The guy goes to his side of t...
why did the bloke put viagra in his eyes?
why do blokes whistle when there on the toilet?
after haveing a 69 wiyh his bird bob rememberd he had a dentist appontment.
How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
2 Irish men are watching a Great Dane licking his ba**s, Paddy turns 2 murphy & sez
2 women were talking.... Do u look at your hubbys face wen u have sex?
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces,
Why does sex have a speed limit, cos...
women are like cell phones, likes to get held and talked to...
What did the right nut say to the left nut?
A woman calls her chauffeur into her bedroom,
Three dreams of a man:
The wife brough home a tub of ice-cream and asked if I wanted some
7 things u should never say to a naked man..........
a teenage girl was wearing a see through top and no bra. her gran threw a fit.you can,t go out like that.chill gran these are modern timesyou gotta le...
2 pencils in a pencil case.. which one got the sharpener pregnant?
A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says,
Men are like coffees...
what do you call a nun sitting on a clowns shoulders
Q. Did you hear about the blind hooker
Do you know the square root of 69 is?
Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilise one egg?
Why is air a lot like sex
Paddy says to Mick -
WARNING ,,,,,,,,,,,,, Do not join the new Tesco Dating Service,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
What did the left nut say to the right nut?
Little girl cames home from school crying because she got told off for using the 'C' word, her mum said that was not clever was it
Mother- in- law says 2 her daughter- in- law
what is the difference between Oooh and Aaah?....
whats long thin and got pink skin
A woman walks past a building site, and one builder says to another,
Why is air  a lot like sex
Boy: Do you like parties?
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
How do you make a Irish man dizzy?
Minnie Mouse is in the divorce courts and the lawyer turns to her and exclaims
One night David asked his girlfriend:
Why does an irishman wear two condoms every time he has sex?
Whats the difference between an oral thermometor and a rectal thermometer
The riots have spread to Ireland
My mate Paddy was among the rioters who ransacked Argos in Manchester last night
A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. 
The Blind Man
why couldn't the one legged lady change a £1 coin                &nbs...
Birth Pill
What do you call an Irish seven course meal?A potato and a six-pack.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male
Sperm Count
Why dont owls make love in the rain?
I picked up an over weight chick wearing a tracksuit in my taxi and dropped her off at the park
Started my new job today as a bus driver, but it didnt go well. A stunning blonde with huge firm tits got on the busand said
Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Golf But Are Not
Paternity Test
The Priest And The Bishop
Sunbathing
Beer Troubleshooting
Life before the computer
whats the difference between erotic and kinky
A man walks to the till and asked where`s your tampax, the lady replies isle 12.
‎80 yr old finds his wife doing a handstand,naked against a wall. Shocked,he asks 'what are you doing?'
whats the difference between a womans arse and a mans arse??
Last night my sister and I were sitting inthe study, and I said to her
If your talking behind me back, your in a good position .....
What do you call a bra stretched across a road??
Top Ten Reasons Why Trick or Treating Is Better Than Sex
Why Pumpkins Are Better Than Men
This year I thought I'd get into the hallow'een spirit and scare the hell out of my neighbours, by dressing up.  I went as.....
Paddy says to Mick, I'm getting circumcised tomorrow. Mick says, I had that done when I was a few days old. Paddy asks
Teacher:
Daddy How Was I Born?
what do you call a man from wales with a stick up his arse???
Taking Samples
What do u call a police officer that works in bed?
Top Ten Men
What's the easiest way to a life of celibacy?Get Married
What word starts with f and ends in uck?
A bit of a dirty one but worth a try right lol here goes........
Trouble Sleeping
Having sex is like playing bridge
lady walks in office and asks
A sexy bird looked at my beer belly today, and sarcastically asked
The Polish DivorceA Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.One d...
Why was tiger looking inside the toilet?
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back & tell about the afterlife. Husband died first and made contact
What do disney world and viagra have in common?
What do hookers and bungee jumping have in common?
My wife is a right easy girl, even her underwear has.....
what did the egg say to the boiling water ?.............im sorry...........its gonna take me a while to get hard. i just got laid by a chick
Man comes home and finds his wife in bed with his friend
Virginity is like a soap bubble
Alberta and Doris had an agreement that when one of them died, they would come back and tell the other what it was like, well Albert passed away first...
A girl went to her doctors, and told him she thought she was turning into a man,
shrink
why do women have more problems with hemorrhoids than men
what do u get when u cross an owk and an rooster?
A man named Bill woke up on his birthday. His wife and kids didn't even say good morning to him. So, he left for work in a huff. His receptionist, Joa...
A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
What do you do with a years worth of used condoms?
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