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Marriage Jokes Feed

Jokes In Category: Marriage

Dear wife:I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show f...
Dear wife:I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show f...
how many men do it take 2 change a light bulb.
how many men do it take 2 change a light bulb.
what do you call a man in handcuffs?
what do you call a man in handcuffs?
guy hires a hitman to kill his wife of 40 years, the hitman says i will shoot her just below her left breast. the husband says i want her dead not kne...
guy hires a hitman to kill his wife of 40 years, the hitman says i will shoot her just below her left breast. the husband says i want her dead not kne...
husband and wife are sitting in a pub and the wife keeps staring at a drunken man cradling his pintas he sits alone. husband says do you know him? wif...
husband and wife are sitting in a pub and the wife keeps staring at a drunken man cradling his pintas he sits alone. husband says do you know him? wif...
Q. What does a guy and a car have in common?
Q. What does a guy and a car have in common?
bloke to mate-my wifes gone off to the west indies
bloke to mate-my wifes gone off to the west indies
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him...
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him...
Mr & Mrs Brown visit the doctor. After examining Mr Brown the doc takes Mrs Brown to one side .....
Mr & Mrs Brown visit the doctor. After examining Mr Brown the doc takes Mrs Brown to one side .....
What do you call a woman who knows exactly where her husband is all the time?
What do you call a woman who knows exactly where her husband is all the time?
Her: You remind me of the sea.
Her: You remind me of the sea.
Men are like a pack of cards,
Men are like a pack of cards,
Wife : Do you want dinner? Husband : Sure, what are my choices? Wife : Yes and no
Wife : Do you want dinner? Husband : Sure, what are my choices? Wife : Yes and no
AnniversaryA guy says,
AnniversaryA guy says, "For our Twentieth Anniversary, I'm taking my wife to Australia."His friend says, "That's going to be tough to beat. What are y...
 
 
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine.. I always get better with age. The next day she locked me in the wine cellar
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine.. I always get better with age. The next day she locked me in the wine cellar
An old man goes to the doctor,  the doctor is amazed at how fit he is and mentions it to him.
An old man goes to the doctor,  the doctor is amazed at how fit he is and mentions it to him.
A husband and wife were in bed watching
A husband and wife were in bed watching "Who wants to be a Millionaire".
Adam was wandering around the Garden of Eden looking thouroughly fed up .. God pops down and asks him what's up. Adam tells him he's lonely.
Adam was wandering around the Garden of Eden looking thouroughly fed up .. God pops down and asks him what's up. Adam tells him he's lonely.
“Will you love me when I’m old and ugly?”“Darling, of course I do.”
“Will you love me when I’m old and ugly?”“Darling, of course I do.”
A man speaks frantically into the phone,
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the docto...
2 confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. I got a cookbook once, said one, but I ...
2 confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. I got a cookbook once, said one, but I ...
my husband and i have the secret to making a marriage last .two times a week,we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine,good food .......he g...
my husband and i have the secret to making a marriage last .two times a week,we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine,good food .......he g...
someone stole all my credit cards,but i wont be reporting it ......the thief  spends less than my wife did
someone stole all my credit cards,but i wont be reporting it ......the thief  spends less than my wife did
The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said,
The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sy...
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.Teach a man to fish and you get rid of him all weekend.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.Teach a man to fish and you get rid of him all weekend.
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband,
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a vi...
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife wasreally pissedShe told him
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife wasreally pissedShe told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in thedriveway...
The man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to m...
The man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to m...
A married man started to chat up a beautiful girl at a bar.
A married man started to chat up a beautiful girl at a bar.
Wife:
Wife: "Does this dress make me look fat?"
A husband and wife weren't getting along very well.  To make matters worse their baby cries a lot and is forever filling it's nappy.
A husband and wife weren't getting along very well.  To make matters worse their baby cries a lot and is forever filling it's nappy.
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.  Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the m...
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.  Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the m...
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, Martha, I'd like to ride in that airplane. And ev...
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, Martha, I'd like to ride in that airplane. And ev...
Q.  How do you know if a man is
Q.  How do you know if a man is "well hung"?
A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened.
A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened."I did a terrible thing," sniffed the drunk, "Just a few hou...
I'm not saying my mother-in-law is fat but:
I'm not saying my mother-in-law is fat but:
I'm not saying my Mother-in-law is scary:
I'm not saying my Mother-in-law is scary:
a man asks his wife
a man asks his wife "what would you do if i won the lottery"
All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-estee...
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-estee...
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer: "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When...
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his han...
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his han...
A man stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard days work to relax. He noticed a man next to him ordered a shot and a beer. The man drank the...
A man stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard days work to relax. He noticed a man next to him ordered a shot and a beer. The man drank the...
a man has six children who he is very proud of ,he is so proud that he starts calling hes wife mother of six in spite of her objections . one nite the...
a man has six children who he is very proud of ,he is so proud that he starts calling hes wife mother of six in spite of her objections . one nite the...
An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man,
An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I n...
The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.
The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.
A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.The druggist asks
A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.The druggist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?".The lady replies "I ...
woman in court for stealing peaches, judge gives a 3 months jail sentence a month for each peach, husband shouts from gallery she also stole a tin of ...
woman in court for stealing peaches, judge gives a 3 months jail sentence a month for each peach, husband shouts from gallery she also stole a tin of ...
Larry's barn burned down and his wife Loisphoned the insurance company.Lois spoke to the agent and said
Larry's barn burned down and his wife Loisphoned the insurance company.Lois spoke to the agent and said
i always wondered why mother in laws are so evil then i realised its an anagram for woman hitler1
i always wondered why mother in laws are so evil then i realised its an anagram for woman hitler1
During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an ...
During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an ...
What do u call a woman who knows where her man is every night?
What do u call a woman who knows where her man is every night?
Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.She puts on her rob...
Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.She puts on her rob...
Social Security A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked him...
Social Security A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked him...
A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 y...
A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 y...
bloke says to wife
bloke says to wife" your arse is the size of a 3 burner BBQ " later that night in bed he says "fancy a shag ?" wife says " no point lighting a BBQ for...
When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said:
When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband
I got in a fight with my wife last night and it was totally my fault.
I got in a fight with my wife last night and it was totally my fault.
says roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you! But the roses are wilted, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl is empty, and so i...
says roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you! But the roses are wilted, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl is empty, and so i...
For all those men who say
For all those men who say "y" marry the cow when u can get the milk for free? Heres an update for u!  Nowadays 80% of women r against marraige, y...
A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says,
A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happ...
if women are so good at multi-tasking why cant they have a headache and sex at the same time?
if women are so good at multi-tasking why cant they have a headache and sex at the same time?
I got in a fight with my wife last night and it was totally my fault.
I got in a fight with my wife last night and it was totally my fault.
The man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked,
The man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me...
Why are married men fatter than single men?because single men come home, see whats in the fridge and go to bed.Married men come home see whats in the ...
Why are married men fatter than single men?because single men come home, see whats in the fridge and go to bed.Married men come home see whats in the ...
A couple was going out for the evening to celebrate the wife's birthday. While they were getting ready, the husband put the cat out.
A couple was going out for the evening to celebrate the wife's birthday. While they were getting ready, the husband put the cat out.
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. The doctor started a long and thorough examina...
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. The doctor started a long and thorough examina...
How do most men define marriage?
How do most men define marriage?
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days.
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days.
wife asks husband how so you make ugly babies?
wife asks husband how so you make ugly babies?
The farmers wife is in the kitchen making fried eggs for breakfast,
The farmers wife is in the kitchen making fried eggs for breakfast,
HOW did an Intelligent BOY PROPOSE to a Girl.
HOW did an Intelligent BOY PROPOSE to a Girl.
An old couple is in a taxi in America. The taxi driver says
An old couple is in a taxi in America. The taxi driver says "So which part of England are you folks from?"  
man hires a hitman to kill hiss wife.
man hires a hitman to kill hiss wife.
marriage is like a deck of cards.in the beggin all u need is 2 hearts ana adiamond
marriage is like a deck of cards.in the beggin all u need is 2 hearts ana adiamond
my wife was sacked from the orange fatory last week.
my wife was sacked from the orange fatory last week.
dont know what to buy my wife for christmas. last year i boughther a rocket,
dont know what to buy my wife for christmas. last year i boughther a rocket,
after 30 yrs ov maariage 2 florence,jim the plumber left is wife.the note on kitchen table simply read
after 30 yrs ov maariage 2 florence,jim the plumber left is wife.the note on kitchen table simply read
I married Miss Right.
I married Miss Right.
My wife submits and I obey;
My wife submits and I obey;
Marriage means commitment.
Marriage means commitment.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
An eldery patient gets hearing aids from a doctor. After short time, he meets the doctor again.
An eldery patient gets hearing aids from a doctor. After short time, he meets the doctor again.
What is the difference between Iron man and Iron woman
What is the difference between Iron man and Iron woman
A tramp asked a man for £2.The man said
A tramp asked a man for £2.The man said "Will you spend it on alcohol?" The tramp replied "No" "Will you spend it gambling?" "No" re...
3 men married wives from different cultures. .. The first man married a Chinese woman, he told her to do dishes & house cleaning. It took a few da...
3 men married wives from different cultures. .. The first man married a Chinese woman, he told her to do dishes & house cleaning. It took a few da...
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces,
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
why did the acrobats get married?
why did the acrobats get married?
One evening a little girl and her parents were sitting around the table eating supper. The little girl said,
One evening a little girl and her parents were sitting around the table eating supper. The little girl said, "Daddy, you're the boss, aren't you?" Her...
The affair
The affair
love joke
love joke
David Beckham has attended the opening of a new insect enclosure at London Zoo
David Beckham has attended the opening of a new insect enclosure at London Zoo
An old man goes to the doctor for his test results accompanied by his wife as he is a little bit hard of hearing. The doc says
An old man goes to the doctor for his test results accompanied by his wife as he is a little bit hard of hearing. The doc says "Well Mr Harding your f...
 wife was having a go at her husband,
 wife was having a go at her husband, "Look see that? Every morning when mr Jones goes to work he kisses his wife pationately before he leaves, w...
q) what's a mans idea of a balanced diet?
q) what's a mans idea of a balanced diet?
Policeman knocked on my door last night and said
Policeman knocked on my door last night and said " it looks like your wife has been in an accident
Wife - moaning to her husband  
Wife - moaning to her husband  "you never take me any where expensive any more".
How is a hurricane like a marriage?
How is a hurricane like a marriage?
Girl, If you were my husband I'd poison your coffee......
Girl, If you were my husband I'd poison your coffee......
Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is 2 hearts and a diamond, by the end you wish you had...
Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is 2 hearts and a diamond, by the end you wish you had...
My wife went to an Ann Summers party last night, Before she went she said to me
My wife went to an Ann Summers party last night, Before she went she said to me " I really want to buy a vibrator" I said "Okay you can buy one. but i...
i said to the wife this mornning right im off to work .Got the bike out off shed and realised it was  pouring down with rain.
i said to the wife this mornning right im off to work .Got the bike out off shed and realised it was  pouring down with rain.
Husband... Darling why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
Husband... Darling why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
Life Insurance
Life Insurance
How do you know if a man is successful? 
How do you know if a man is successful? 
Marriage is a three ring circus...
Marriage is a three ring circus...
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.Tie me up, she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.Tie me up, she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.
What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
Husband and wife in a pub.  The wife keps staring at a drunken man cradling his pint as he sits alone.
Husband and wife in a pub.  The wife keps staring at a drunken man cradling his pint as he sits alone.
Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
a man speaks frantically in to the phone, 
a man speaks frantically in to the phone, 
Marriage is like a hot bath. 
Marriage is like a hot bath. 
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why? Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your&nb...
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why? Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your&nb...
Why is a divorce so expensive? 
Why is a divorce so expensive? 
"I have a bad headache. i'll visit the doctors."
Why are Guys like lava lamps?
Why are Guys like lava lamps?
Men are like coolers.. load them with beer..
Men are like coolers.. load them with beer..
 How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
 How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.' Joe: 'Really?' 
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.' Joe: 'Really?' 
man and woman sitting in a beer garden!
man and woman sitting in a beer garden!
Q. What is the difference between a battery and a Man?
Q. What is the difference between a battery and a Man?
Q. Why did the polygamist cross the road?
Q. Why did the polygamist cross the road?
i havent spoken to my wife in 18 months
i havent spoken to my wife in 18 months
Q: What is a wedding tragedy? 
Q: What is a wedding tragedy? 
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take;
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take;
My wife and i walked past a new swanky restaurant last night.
My wife and i walked past a new swanky restaurant last night. "did you smell that food "she said "it was absolutely incredible, and as it is our anive...
my husband always complains that i dont listen to him
my husband always complains that i dont listen to him
Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
Harry staggers into his house,his wife says whats wrong with you.Harry says I thought I'd save my 75p bus fare by running behind the bus.
Harry staggers into his house,his wife says whats wrong with you.Harry says I thought I'd save my 75p bus fare by running behind the bus.
0 to 200 in 6 seconds
0 to 200 in 6 seconds
A wife complains,
A wife complains, "Our wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch.
John was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly,
John was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess to you.""There's no need to," his wife rep...
"You looked troubled," a man told his friend, "what's your problem?" He replied, "I'm going to be a father." "But that's wonderful,"
A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said,
A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every...
Marriage is a three ring circus
Marriage is a three ring circus
I looked out on the destruction, smashed windows, cars turned upside down and a bus on fire, people running scared, police unsure what move to make......
I looked out on the destruction, smashed windows, cars turned upside down and a bus on fire, people running scared, police unsure what move to make......
Girl 1: Oh I am doomed! That's my husband coming with my lover! 
Girl 1: Oh I am doomed! That's my husband coming with my lover! 
Q. What's the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin?
Q. What's the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin?
Wife:
Wife: "Why can't my mother move in with us?"
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. "It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "my wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart"
Do you know the best way to never forget your wifes birthday?
Do you know the best way to never forget your wifes birthday?
How do you know your wife is not paying any attention to what you say?
How do you know your wife is not paying any attention to what you say?
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? 
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? 
How do you know when a man is planning for the future
How do you know when a man is planning for the future
Husband Says: When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me.
Husband Says: When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me.
I asked my wife,
I asked my wife," where do you want to go for our anniversy?"
The Perfect Shot
The Perfect Shot
Your Wife Fell Out
Your Wife Fell Out
what is the 1 thing all men in singles bars have in common
what is the 1 thing all men in singles bars have in common
my wife and i were happy for 20 years
my wife and i were happy for 20 years
How Many Men Does It take To Put Down A Toilet Seat????
How Many Men Does It take To Put Down A Toilet Seat????
Something Stinks
Something Stinks
One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church.
One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church.
My daughter asked
My daughter asked "I hope you're  going to shave off that stupid moustache before we go on holliday? Its embarrassing.?
Rose From The Dead
Rose From The Dead
No Talking For 30 Days
No Talking For 30 Days
Getting Old
Getting Old
I Have Great News
I Have Great News
The marriage was going thru a rocky patch even thou xmas was approaching, there was very little goodwill. You old skinflint said doris, you havn,t eve...
The marriage was going thru a rocky patch even thou xmas was approaching, there was very little goodwill. You old skinflint said doris, you havn,t eve...
A woman has the last word in a argument
A woman has the last word in a argument
There are two times when a man does not understand a woman
There are two times when a man does not understand a woman
A Problem With Teeth
A Problem With Teeth
Crushed Bartender
Crushed Bartender
They say a man isnt complete til hes married
They say a man isnt complete til hes married
Why didnt the melons get married?
Why didnt the melons get married?
Marriage is like a three ring circus
Marriage is like a three ring circus
Marriages are made in heaven --
Marriages are made in heaven --
a woman applyin 4 a job in a florida lemon grove seemed way to qualified 4 the job look miss sais the foreman have u any experience in pickin lemons
a woman applyin 4 a job in a florida lemon grove seemed way to qualified 4 the job look miss sais the foreman have u any experience in pickin lemons
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he k...
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he k...
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